Fearless

I just discovered this little piece I wrote a few years ago but never published.  Interesting to look at it with today's eyes:

The desire to matter. I'm reading the book Fearless by Max Lucado and I have just discovered that one of my greatest fears in life is quite common. I want to make a difference. At my age I am wondering if it is too late, if I passed so many opportunities due to laziness, or busyness or fear that I won't be given any more chances. I got to thinking about that and it occurred to me that this is probably why those of us with older children start getting a bit controlling almost manic in our persuasions for our kids to accomplish something. It's why we take such pride in their achievements. If I haven't made much of a difference to the world in my so-small life maybe I can still count it if one of my kids does something worthy! After all, I had a pretty big hand in making them what they are today.... right?  My kids are mostly grown now. Will I be able claim greatness through one of them?

My first born, CJ, was an amazing child! (chuckle) He crawled at 5 months, walking, running, by 8 monts, an adventurous toddler. He'd probably grow up to be a professional athlete or something. He amazed us by learning to read by watching the words as I read books to him, was reading on his own before kindergarten... a boy genius! He'd probably end up being a scientist or something. In first grade his teacher recommended he be tested for the gifted program because he was so advanced. Wow! He'd probably become a world leader or something. LOL

So it has been with Kev, Zeke and Beau. Each has their own rare and wonderful talents and personalities and dreams. None is a high achiever or ambitious. I suppose that since I was so ready to claim their victories I should also admit that they are what they are in part because we didn't push. We just encouraged them be what they were meant to be. 

Yet, am I not disappointed. CJ is intelligent and can carry out a lively conversation. He's the one who is most willing to come over to help us out and as well as just stop by to visit. He married Ana and she has been a lovely addition to our heavily-testosteroned family. They gave us a grandson, too, in little Blue. I had no idea a grandchild could bring such joy to my heart and my life.

Kev has grown into a man who is kind and thoughtful. He's the romantic, too, and is marrying in April. He loves children and will be an incredible daddy some day.  I am so pleased with how he has turned out.

Zeke is fresh out of college and trying to find that special place where he can serve God. He'd like nothing better than to drop out of society's expectations.  He can be quite inspiring with his genuine love for God, is never preachy and has an ability to understand others' views.

Bo is the one that makes everyone smile.  Even when you don't want to.  He marches to his own drum and his drum is fun. Pretty much raised by his brothers, he got a little piece of the best of each of them. He is care-free (about what you think of him) but is deeply caring (about being a good person).

My sons are all lovely, wonderful, giving, non-ambitious men. They, no doubt, will each make a mark in their world but I can't claim it. I'll have to do that on my own. And it is not too late. God isn't finished with me yet either.

I've been trying to "Let go and let God" because I didn't know what else to do! Yesterday I had a breakthrough (FINALLY!) and things will start getting back to normal. I'd love to tell you all about it but can't think of a way to do it without sounding whiny and self-pityish )OH, poor me) SO... suffice it to say that yesterday I was full, full, full to brimmin' with thanks to God all the way home from work. "Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God" The deadline had been fast approaching but I could not see a way to resolve anything. Don't know if he actually helped me through it all in any way except keeping me calm and sane and Ithat is what I most needed. For that I am so grateful!

More good news. When I got home I checked my email and had sold another book on Amazon! YEAH! If only I had realized how easy it is to buy and sell college text books at Amazon Marketplace I'd have done it years ago! I started last year and sold several at so much more than the pittance at which the schools will buy them back.

This year has been even better since Kevin decided to sell most of his Business books and they have been snapped right up.

Anyway, don't be afraid to try it. Contact me if you want to, and I'll help you out getting started but it really is easy and helps out with those ridiculous book expenses. Kev hardly cracks a book so they are mostly in great shape (now that's putting a positive spin on things, isn't it?) but even Zeke's books with highlighting have sold well.

Anyway, life is good and God is good, all the time.

Yesterday I noticed seven God moments. That both pleases me and shames me. My goal is to one day see my whole day filled with them! Finding four God moments was my previous "record" so you see why seven feels good and why I am eager to notice more of them.

My Definition of a God Moment and Why I Want More:

I'll begin by mentioning one of my most amazing God moments. I was driving one night on the hilly road that leads to our home. It's a dark wooded area with no houses, just trees lining both sides of the road. I don't remember what I was thinking about but whatever it vanished the second I topped the hill.

There before me at the top of the next hill was a gigantic full moon right smack in the middle of the horizon. It looked as if the trees had parted for it like the red sea for Moses. The road was leading right to this gorgeous moon and I was driving toward it! It was slightly eery, totally amazing and filled me with wonder at the joy and beauty before me.

I actually stopped the car in the middle of the hill to take it all in. I knew, like all God moments, that it would be fleeting. I drove on home, grabbed my camera and went back but everything had already changed. A cloud had partially overtaken the moon and it was higher in the sky already, not lifting up from the earth itself any longer as it had appeared only minutes earlier. It doesnt really matter because, I still have that picture in my memory. That was a wonderful God moment.

They are all wonderful and usually much more simple. A God moment is a snapshot in time when I notice the presence of God.

I am trying to get closer to God this year. I've been through a small group study called "God is Closer Than You Think" based on the book of the same name by Jonn Ortberg. I've read the book Does God Believe In You? by Keith R. Anderson and it is right at the top of my favorite reading and rereading right along with an old favorite Attitudes of Gratitude by M.J. Ryan. Everything I read and learn and feel tells me that God is right here with us every single minute of life... if only we would notice. If we feel far from God it is not because God has moved away from us. He is calling our names but we aren't listening. We aren't paying attention! I know this is true and I am working on being a better listener.

Recognizing my God moments is part of my exercise to get my heart muscle in the right place to see God's presence everywhere. When I look back on my day I often see that there were many, many times when God was revealing himself but I missed them. ...The hugs from the kids at school, a shared moment with a friend, a compassionate prayer by a Jr. High kid at Bible Study, Beau singing so loud to the radio in his room that it can be heard clear out in the kitchen. I was too caught up in the busyness of my day and my own thoughts to recognize it as a God moment!

So, I'm working on that. I want to recognize God everywhere I look. I know he is there trying to get my attention in his own subtle ways. Will I ever pay attention?
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1 Kings 19:11 &12
Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before GOD. GOD will pass by." A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before GOD, but GOD wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but GOD wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but GOD wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

My Top 10 Christmas Moments of 2006

#10 Placing the Star

It has been the custom in our family for the youngest person to put the star on the top of the tree. Beau took over the job from his brothers when he was 2 or 3 and has done it ever since. The boys want no part of the decorating any more and Beau was heading out the door while I was putting the lights on the tree. He paused before he left to remind me to wait for him when it came to the star. Although he is 17 now he still insists that he gets to place the star at the top. We all become children again at Christmas.

#9 Christmas Eve Candlelight Service

We have gone to the 11:00 PM Christmas Eve worship service for at least twenty years. We spend Christmas Eve at with Angus' family in the city and leave there just in time to get to church. It is always a peaceful candlelight service with beautiful harp or violin music. One can’t help but feel God’s presence in that atmosphere of worship. We walk out and greet one another and we are closer because of what we have just experienced and everyone looks like a friend on that night. We hug and wish one another a happy Christmas and we mean it. There is love in the room that is palpable and real and warms me even as I walk to the car in the cold.

#8 Seeing Rita happy

My mother-in-law is not really a warm woman. She is a good mother and she loves, without doubt but there is always a sense of duty and perhaps a bit of martyrdom behind it. (Is that a Catholic thing?) I don’t think I have ever seen her truly happy. I’ve seen photos of her when she was young and she was a beauty and wild, too, she says. But she gave that all up for her husband and family, I guess.

Pat has only been gone less than 2 months and we were all worried about Christmas without him… but this Christmas, Rita was happy. Her family really came together during Pat’s illness and I know that is every mom’s dream. After Pat’s passing I know she had a sense of freedom, too. She loved Pat dearly but she was tied down by his health and was always at his side. I think she has a new outlook on life now. I think she feels she deserves to be happy… and you know what? She does.

#7 Car Caroling

When the boys were small we would sing Christmas carols the whole way to Gramma and Grampa’s house, taking turns choosing the song. Whenever it was Kevin's’s turn he would always choose “We 3 Kings” even though we had just sung it 5 songs before.

We aren’t always in one car on the way into town on Christmas Eve anymore. Often one or two of the kids meets us there, but this year all 5 of us were crammed into the Cherokee (after arguing over who had to sit in the middle of the back seat, of course). There was Christmas music on the radio and suddenly Kevin burst into song. His brothers quickly joined in. They were singing off key (on purpose) and in weird voices. Angus and I looked at each other and started laughing but we chimed in, too. It was all unexpected and wonderful… like most moments of pure joy.

#6 The Gift

Nathan came to me on Christmas Eve morning bearing a gift. He is one of the 5th graders in my Sunday School class. He wanted me to open it right then and I could see he was watching me for my reaction. It was a big Christmas coffee mug and a bag of hazelnut coffee. How thoughtful! I always come into class with my coffee in hand so he knew how much I like my morning coffee. He was truly pleased with his gift and so was I. I didn’t have to fake my pleasure and I told him I was going to go get coffee in it right then… and I did.

It was very thoughtful but the best part of his giving wasn’t the gift itself but the look on his face... the anticipation, as I opened it... his naked delight at seeing my pleasure. Now that is what gifting is all about.

#5 Spontaneous Outbreak of Christmas Charades

We were all sitting around after dinner on Christmas Eve when a spontaneous game of Christmas Charades broke out. Suggested by my 13 year old niece, we started writing Christmas songs, movies and books into a cup and busted it out. By the end of the evening just about everyone had joined in. Even Gramma took a turn! Suddenly, we weren’t just a bunch of relatives gathered, but truly a family.

#4 Santa at School

Santa made a surprise visit to the school where I work. He was pretty much wandering through the halls "ho-ho-ho"ing, handing out candy canes and just chatting with the kids. I was watching as a kindergarten class noticed him. They were so excited! Some were talking to him, hugging him and asking him questions. Then I noticed Levi. He was just gazing up at Santa. I don’t think I will ever forget the look on his face. It was one of pure and simple joy and amazement. He was awestruck!

I am so glad I happened to witness that very moment. I saw “Christmas” on Levi’s face, or at least a symbol of what it should be… a sense of joy and wonder at the gift that is Christmas.

#3 The Hayride

I was only one week before Christmas and the place we usually cut our Christmas tree had already closed for the season. We hadn’t been to the Schmidt’s Farm in years, too crowded and too expensive, but it was open and we needed a our tree. We pulled into the lot and the place was nearly deserted except for the workers that watched us pull in.

The old man on the tractor was friendly as we chose a saw and climbed onto the haywagon . He drove us to the grove of Christmas trees and pointed us to the best trees. The boys were cutting up, kidding one another, laughing and enjoying one another. We jumped out and cut a beautiful, fine tree.
The air was crisp and piney as we headed back to the barn. I sat on a hay bale holding Angus’ hand across from my happy, laughing sons riding in a wagon on a dirt path through the silent woods. All of the stress of the season fell away from my shoulders. I couldn’t have been happier.

#2 Sharing Christmas Dinner with the Homeless

Several months ago our church started a homeless outreach program after several of us read the book “Under the Overpass” by Mike Yankoski. Angus has been has been heavily involved with that mission work. They’ve been taking food and supplies into the city every Sunday after church to a group that has grown from 3 to about 12 living in the woods near a railroad bridge in the city. They have developed a rapport with many of them and invited them to worship with us on Christmas Eve morning. Three of them took up the offer.

They were well received and warmly welcomed. They praised God and worshiped right beside us. Someone at the worship service even asked Cathy to pass on a $100 bill to each of the three.

After Worship, our families joined Whiskey, Marvin and Paula for Christmas dinner. It was my first time to meet these people that my husband had come to know and care about. We chatted and they talked about their enjoyment, especially of the music, and of other church services that two of them had attended regularly in San Antone last year before they came to Kansas City. Our group had bought Christmas presents for all of them, specifically chosen for each of them (and for those that didn’t come, as well). There were tarps, and sleeping bags and back packs and blankets and buckets and flashlights. I felt moved and blessed to have been a part of it all.

#1 Christmas Came

In some ways I think I am like the Grinch. I don’t hate Christmas but I hate what it has become… I hate that I am a reluctant participant in the “Christmas Machine”. I try to make it happen in a certain way and I try to manipulate the ones around me into making everything special and memorable. They balk or simply will not comply. There is tension. I want to simplify it but I complicate it by trying to schedule it all. The season is short and if we are going to fit it all in it takes good planning!

This year I just did not do it. I usually feel compelled to create memories and uphold traditions. You’d think that by now I’d realize that traditions are useless if they hold no meaning. You’d think I’d know that memories can only happen naturally. It is moments; unplanned and unanticipated moments, that create memories. This year I didn’t try to remake Christmas into my ideal of what it should be; I just let it happen naturally… and it came.

It came in a simple beautiful, memorable, peaceful way. Like Levi gazing into Santa’s face, I want react to Christmas, the amazing gift of our savior come to us, with pure joy and wonder and love shining out of my heart for all to share.

I'm reading like crazy this summer. I haven't been reading the usual novels as I've enjoyed past summers. I love a good novel but there seems no time in my life for that. I am on a quest! There are so many things I am eager to get my eyes on! I need to learn, study, questions, soak up other ideas. Okay, I admit that I am a Guidepost Magazine junkie. I read it while we watch the World Cup games. The stories are sometimes hokey and sweet but there are often great quotes and tidbits from stories that I can use in my Junior High Bible study. I try to tie them in with a scripture to help the kids understand it better or how they can fit the lessons of a scripture into a real life situation. At that age (12, 13, 14) half the battle is getting their attention. No, it's more than half the battle...oh, but when you hook them they listen in a way that adults rarely do. They hunger for God and to understand. They need him and they know it. They haven't reached that stage where they think can do without him.

It depends which chair I am sitting in. "Guidepost" in the livingroom recliner but in my reading chair I have recently read, "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I had seen three of his mini-films that we had used in the Wednesday Youth worships and Bible studies; "Kickball", "Luggage" (that's impact!) and the incredible "Dust". When I ran across his book I snapped it up. Wow! Lot's of food for thought and controversy there. There is so much truth in it and also a lot of stuff I will have to chew on awhile. Definitely food for thought...unless you are afraid to think about what God, Jesus, the Bible and Christianity really mean. I can't imagine that...but then I'm Methodist and that's what it is all about for me ☻... growing closer to The Truth....that's the God-truth not the Man-truth or the American-truth.

So, while in my reading chair I am now reading a book that I don't know how it got on my bookshelf. I was grazing my library and the title caught my eye. "Does God Believe in You?: Developing Spiritual Self-Confidence" by Keith R. Anderson. I pulled it out and started reading.

I am fascinated since this is just what I need to be reading right now (it's a God-thing).. I have been having a bit of a spiritual crisis as far as wondering if there is any way that I could possibly even figure out God's plan for me... let alone to live up to it! Am I too old? Did I miss it? It is an easy-read but offers more to think about so I am limiting myself to one chapter a day so that I can ruminate on it and how it speaks to me in my life right now.

Upstairs I have a copy of "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado. Pretty boring at first. Heard it before and, yes, I know that God calls each of us, but around chapter 4 I began to see that it was fitting in with what I am looking for...how to find out what I'm to do and why and, well... I'm still reading.

Oh, I wish I could read all day every day...but then when would I serve the God that gave me everything and expects me to go out there into the world and love it and glorify him? Can I figure out this balancing act of learning and teaching and getting with God and serving him? It's not rhetorical... I'm looking for answers.

I woke this morning cold and aching. We’d turned the heat off after the beautiful warm Spring days we’d been having but it dropped into the 30°s last night. I tossed and turned all night, chilled under the light quilt covering me yet too tired to get up and dig a comforter out of the closet. The alarm rang and I crawled out of bed to run a tub of hot water to ease my stiff joints. Ahhhhh… that was so much better.

As I sipped my morning coffee in my favorite comfy chair my mind wondered to those people out there that can’t get out of bed and get a warmer blanket. They have no blanket and no bed, they sleep in doorways and alleys and parks.

I remembered how cold Bo had been after the track meet last night. It had rained and they were out in it for several hours. He made me feel how cold and wet his shirt and shoes were. He had been miserable but he came home and dried out and wore a different pair of shoes to school today. I thought of those who don’t have another pair of shoes when theirs get wet or worn out and have no home to go to when the weather gets bad.

And for just a minute I thought, “Well, those people chose that lifestyle.” But how did they choose it? Did they choose it by making bad choices? Did they choose it because they have no family to fall back on? Did they choose it because the rest of us snub them and they prefer to escape our mockery? What would it take for me or someone I love to get into that situation? Is there someone out there that loves them?

I recently read Under the Overpass, by Mike Yankoski, a Christian who lived as a homeless person for 5 months. He posed this question: “Is addiction a greater sin than not loving?” That question keeps coming back to me and I know the answer. The great commandment says to love God with everything you have and love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.

“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive‘.”

Acts 20:35

God, You have blessed me richly in many way. Help me to love other people more than I love my possessions or my own time. May I give of myself, in thanks to the one who gave himself for me. Amen

(prayer is from Words to Live by for Teens)