I heard the strange tap dancing sound coming from outside. I went to the window gazed down on the deck below but saw nothing. Suddenly I realized the sound was coming from above me. I leaned my cheek close to the glass and looked up to see a line of feathered tails bobbing from the gutter above. I suppose the birds were lined up drinking from the stream of melting ice flowing into the gutters. It has been in the 20°s today but finally sunny after days of cold. I went for the camera but the birds were gone before I returned.

When the weather gets like this, with freezing rain and ice and dipping below 0° at night, I hunker down at home and stay put. Leaving the house only to carry in the logs for the fire and to the dog and the chickens.

The animals I see from my toasty shelter, unlike me, seem to be more active than usual. The birds frantically attack the feeders and one another for the prime feeding spots. The squirrels come looking for the peanuts that I put out on the deck last week. The raucous Blue Jays and the parade of bounding, leaping, and creeping squirrels have already consumed those leaving only the cast off shells to blow off onto the icey grass below. They do their acrobatic Olympics, trying their best to beat the designer of the squirrel-proof bird feeders I have hung outside the kitchen window.

A rabbit hops up to the fence of the chicken run. He must smell the grain within but he is locked out and moves on. I look out later as I wash dishes and see a flock of cardinals pecking at the scratch I threw out earlier for the chickens. The chickens are in their coop staying out of the wind but the Cardinals do not seem to notice it. I see a Robin and a male Buebird hopping from branch to branch of the Hackberry tree above the old playhouse gobbling up the dried berries that stubbornly still cling to the twigs. He is about a month early and I wonder what that means. An early Spring perhaps? He has come to scout out a good nest site for his mate who will come later but today he is focused on the fuel that will get him through this cold spell.

I settle back into my chair with a book I have nearly finished and feel grateful for my warm and peaceful abode.

Angus stuffs his old jackets behind the seat of his pickup truck instead of putting them in the Good Will box. He told me he often sees homeless guys on his way to and from work. He wants to have the coats handy if it looks like one of them need one. I was fascinated by this information. I don't notice that side of my husband. Anyway, he has been doing that for years now.

It was natural for him to want to hook up with the group at our church making efforts to help the homeless and he was one of the first to join up. Angus grew up in the city not far from the railroad bridge where "our" homeless folks abide. His mom still lives in that same house.

There's a QuikTrip just off the highway that we often stop for gas or coffee on our way home from Angus' mom's. I used to wonder why he always stopped there but it wasn't long before I realized he stopped looking for the homeless guys he often sees hanging around there as much as for the gas. He sometimes buys them a cup of coffee or gives them a couple of bucks and visits with them a few minutes.

I was with Angus one time when he taked to a man then went on in to pay for our gas. We had just been to the grocery store so I grabbed an apple and went over to man myself. I offered him the apple and he politely refused it and showed me his rotted teeth. "Can't eat apples any more." I think we left him with a loaf of bread that day.

Anyway, that is how our church group found this "Under the Railroad Bridge" habitat. After talking to these guys that were so often seen at this QuikTrip, they learned that they live nearby just past the highway. There is a railroad track and several have set up camp there. Originally there were just a few but as winter set in more and more have come and now there are around 12 or so now, although some come and go.

They are at the edge of the city in a wooded area. There are more services for homeless people deeper in the city but these people find it to be safer here. They say that Law Enforcement pretty much leaves them alone if they don't hassle anyone. They have built a small community.

I am thinking about them today because the weather has turned cold after a beautiful bout in the 50°s. Yesterday there was freezing rain and sleet with more to come today and snow tomorrow. I don't know how cold it got last night but it is only 19° right now. I am worried about them.

I was driving to work on only four and a half hours of sleep. I'd been off for 2 weeks for the holidays and was having trouble adjusting back to the "go to bed early & wake up early" routine. I'd been allowing myself to wake up naturally and it felt so good! But yesterday it was back to rising before the sun and dressing in the dark while my husband who works nights still slept. I'd stayed up way too late the night before and knew I would pay the price for that as the day wore on. But it was the beginning of a new year and it felt good to be looking at the future.

My 15 minute morning drive along the back roads is always a spiritual, praying, thinking and readying time for me. The low light of dawn is conducive to peaceful and rejuvenating thought. I needed that as I headed back to work (and the "real" world) .

I had just rounded a bend when I suddenly saw the full moon low in the darkened, tri-colored sky. There was a brilliant star low beside it and it shown so brightly that it looked a promise. The Morning Star. It looked like a beautiful, surreal watercolor painting. The colorful sky, the full moon, the brilliant morning star and the perfect timing & feeling of heading into a brand new year... it lifted me to a place of hope.

Okay, so I know that the star was really a planet, probably Venus, but that does not take away my joy of that very moment. I have never seen anything like that before and I will take that image with me and remember it. I will pull that painting from my brain it will remind me of the feelings I had. Brains and memories are good for that. I'll think of this new year and of hope and that God gives us a renewed strength when we need a fresh start. It always amazes me that God gives us just what we need when we need it. He knows before we ask and it is just there waiting for us to notice.

I wonder how many times I don't.

My Top 10 Christmas Moments of 2006

#10 Placing the Star

It has been the custom in our family for the youngest person to put the star on the top of the tree. Beau took over the job from his brothers when he was 2 or 3 and has done it ever since. The boys want no part of the decorating any more and Beau was heading out the door while I was putting the lights on the tree. He paused before he left to remind me to wait for him when it came to the star. Although he is 17 now he still insists that he gets to place the star at the top. We all become children again at Christmas.

#9 Christmas Eve Candlelight Service

We have gone to the 11:00 PM Christmas Eve worship service for at least twenty years. We spend Christmas Eve at with Angus' family in the city and leave there just in time to get to church. It is always a peaceful candlelight service with beautiful harp or violin music. One can’t help but feel God’s presence in that atmosphere of worship. We walk out and greet one another and we are closer because of what we have just experienced and everyone looks like a friend on that night. We hug and wish one another a happy Christmas and we mean it. There is love in the room that is palpable and real and warms me even as I walk to the car in the cold.

#8 Seeing Rita happy

My mother-in-law is not really a warm woman. She is a good mother and she loves, without doubt but there is always a sense of duty and perhaps a bit of martyrdom behind it. (Is that a Catholic thing?) I don’t think I have ever seen her truly happy. I’ve seen photos of her when she was young and she was a beauty and wild, too, she says. But she gave that all up for her husband and family, I guess.

Pat has only been gone less than 2 months and we were all worried about Christmas without him… but this Christmas, Rita was happy. Her family really came together during Pat’s illness and I know that is every mom’s dream. After Pat’s passing I know she had a sense of freedom, too. She loved Pat dearly but she was tied down by his health and was always at his side. I think she has a new outlook on life now. I think she feels she deserves to be happy… and you know what? She does.

#7 Car Caroling

When the boys were small we would sing Christmas carols the whole way to Gramma and Grampa’s house, taking turns choosing the song. Whenever it was Kevin's’s turn he would always choose “We 3 Kings” even though we had just sung it 5 songs before.

We aren’t always in one car on the way into town on Christmas Eve anymore. Often one or two of the kids meets us there, but this year all 5 of us were crammed into the Cherokee (after arguing over who had to sit in the middle of the back seat, of course). There was Christmas music on the radio and suddenly Kevin burst into song. His brothers quickly joined in. They were singing off key (on purpose) and in weird voices. Angus and I looked at each other and started laughing but we chimed in, too. It was all unexpected and wonderful… like most moments of pure joy.

#6 The Gift

Nathan came to me on Christmas Eve morning bearing a gift. He is one of the 5th graders in my Sunday School class. He wanted me to open it right then and I could see he was watching me for my reaction. It was a big Christmas coffee mug and a bag of hazelnut coffee. How thoughtful! I always come into class with my coffee in hand so he knew how much I like my morning coffee. He was truly pleased with his gift and so was I. I didn’t have to fake my pleasure and I told him I was going to go get coffee in it right then… and I did.

It was very thoughtful but the best part of his giving wasn’t the gift itself but the look on his face... the anticipation, as I opened it... his naked delight at seeing my pleasure. Now that is what gifting is all about.

#5 Spontaneous Outbreak of Christmas Charades

We were all sitting around after dinner on Christmas Eve when a spontaneous game of Christmas Charades broke out. Suggested by my 13 year old niece, we started writing Christmas songs, movies and books into a cup and busted it out. By the end of the evening just about everyone had joined in. Even Gramma took a turn! Suddenly, we weren’t just a bunch of relatives gathered, but truly a family.

#4 Santa at School

Santa made a surprise visit to the school where I work. He was pretty much wandering through the halls "ho-ho-ho"ing, handing out candy canes and just chatting with the kids. I was watching as a kindergarten class noticed him. They were so excited! Some were talking to him, hugging him and asking him questions. Then I noticed Levi. He was just gazing up at Santa. I don’t think I will ever forget the look on his face. It was one of pure and simple joy and amazement. He was awestruck!

I am so glad I happened to witness that very moment. I saw “Christmas” on Levi’s face, or at least a symbol of what it should be… a sense of joy and wonder at the gift that is Christmas.

#3 The Hayride

I was only one week before Christmas and the place we usually cut our Christmas tree had already closed for the season. We hadn’t been to the Schmidt’s Farm in years, too crowded and too expensive, but it was open and we needed a our tree. We pulled into the lot and the place was nearly deserted except for the workers that watched us pull in.

The old man on the tractor was friendly as we chose a saw and climbed onto the haywagon . He drove us to the grove of Christmas trees and pointed us to the best trees. The boys were cutting up, kidding one another, laughing and enjoying one another. We jumped out and cut a beautiful, fine tree.
The air was crisp and piney as we headed back to the barn. I sat on a hay bale holding Angus’ hand across from my happy, laughing sons riding in a wagon on a dirt path through the silent woods. All of the stress of the season fell away from my shoulders. I couldn’t have been happier.

#2 Sharing Christmas Dinner with the Homeless

Several months ago our church started a homeless outreach program after several of us read the book “Under the Overpass” by Mike Yankoski. Angus has been has been heavily involved with that mission work. They’ve been taking food and supplies into the city every Sunday after church to a group that has grown from 3 to about 12 living in the woods near a railroad bridge in the city. They have developed a rapport with many of them and invited them to worship with us on Christmas Eve morning. Three of them took up the offer.

They were well received and warmly welcomed. They praised God and worshiped right beside us. Someone at the worship service even asked Cathy to pass on a $100 bill to each of the three.

After Worship, our families joined Whiskey, Marvin and Paula for Christmas dinner. It was my first time to meet these people that my husband had come to know and care about. We chatted and they talked about their enjoyment, especially of the music, and of other church services that two of them had attended regularly in San Antone last year before they came to Kansas City. Our group had bought Christmas presents for all of them, specifically chosen for each of them (and for those that didn’t come, as well). There were tarps, and sleeping bags and back packs and blankets and buckets and flashlights. I felt moved and blessed to have been a part of it all.

#1 Christmas Came

In some ways I think I am like the Grinch. I don’t hate Christmas but I hate what it has become… I hate that I am a reluctant participant in the “Christmas Machine”. I try to make it happen in a certain way and I try to manipulate the ones around me into making everything special and memorable. They balk or simply will not comply. There is tension. I want to simplify it but I complicate it by trying to schedule it all. The season is short and if we are going to fit it all in it takes good planning!

This year I just did not do it. I usually feel compelled to create memories and uphold traditions. You’d think that by now I’d realize that traditions are useless if they hold no meaning. You’d think I’d know that memories can only happen naturally. It is moments; unplanned and unanticipated moments, that create memories. This year I didn’t try to remake Christmas into my ideal of what it should be; I just let it happen naturally… and it came.

It came in a simple beautiful, memorable, peaceful way. Like Levi gazing into Santa’s face, I want react to Christmas, the amazing gift of our savior come to us, with pure joy and wonder and love shining out of my heart for all to share.

My mother made this Nativity and gave it to us the year our first child was born...the year we became a family. My dad made the stable and built a little music box within. It plays it Silent Night.

I didn't take the time to get out my many Santas and jingle bells or garland this year, but the Nativity is too great a symbol of Christmas to forget. It was the first thing I put out, the only thing out for the first 2 weeks of Advent.

I think that is appropriate. It kind of gave us a focus away from the sparkle and glitz.

I felt like Jack looking out from a stem of his beanstalk...all up in the air and surrounded by a cloud. I had just awakened and went to the window just like I do most mornings....thanking God for the day ahead and asking his guidance. I love this window view. It's as if I have the most wonderful painting and it is always changing, surprising me with something new or something I had not noticed before.

Today it was the fog. It was a wispy fog, hence the feeling of being in a cloud. I felt light and happy. Here it is just a few days before Christmas and I had hardly given it a thought. I had done just the minimal Christmas gifting and baking and only when "required" for work or for church. I hadn't made a Christmas list or decorated or even put the tree up.

I had been busy with something else that was consuming all my time and thoughts and energy. It was somthing important that needed to be planned and carried out and done right. I was taking care of that stuff and meeting with other people working on that project. Angus was understanding and the boys were tolerant. They knew this was a labor of love for me...not something I had to do but something I wanted to do. But it was wearing me down, I think.

Anyway, last night the event took place and ended in a beautiful worship service. Now I am on to Christmas and I suddenly feel happy and lifted up. It's as if I missed all the Christmas "have to" stuff and found out that, hey, guess what? it's not really "have to" stuff after all. I didn't have to get the house decorated right after Thanksgiving and I didn't have to get the tree up or bake cookies or shop, shop, shop. Christmas is still coming even without that and I feel good about it. This has been the least commercial, least secularish Christmas season.

I think we actually stopped the Christmas machine!

Something about waking up in a cloud made me feel nearer to God and that is how I have felt ever since. I have not explained it very well. I guess, I just didn't let the pressure (mostly self-imposed) that usually goes along with Christmas get to me. I was just too busy to notice that it was approaching, put it at the back of my mind, still participating in what I thought was important and just blowing off the rest of it. Life is good!

I "claim" Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I remember the days when our kids were little and we tried to get to Angus' family and mine since they both live in the same city. It was awful. We were stuffed til we ached and traveling and tired and miserable. We didn't enjoy it or feel grateful. We felt obligated. We did it because we love our families and are grateful for them but we didn't do them or Thanksgiving or God justice by trying to to it all. Isn't that the way it is so often in life?

I have told my 4 sons that I wish to claim Thanksgiving as ours even if it means we will have to give up having them at Christmas. I know that as they marry and move on their return home for holidays will become a time of decisions. I hope they will choose to be with us on Thanksgiving but I will not want them to try to do it all. I'd rather they love us and God and recognize all they've been given no matter where they are or what they are doing.

I want them to know that our focus for Thanksgiving is to be grateful to God for all that he has given every single day. My kids are a huge part of what makes me so thankful for life, but there is so much more.

This morning I read Keith Brenton's Thanksliving weblog and he says it better than I:

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It isn't the food. It isn't the football games. It isn't even the gathering of family (when we can). There's just something inside that wants Thanksgiving to be a year-round, 24/7 thing. I want it to be an ongoing holiday. A moveable feast of gratitude. A lifestyle.

Thanksliving.


Amen, Keith. Amen.

My mowing days pretty much ended when CJ became old enough to take over that job. By then he had 3 younger brothers and I had no time for that chore. Now the big ol' zero turning radius riding mower (man toy) we have is so complicated I don't even have a clue how to run it. It doesn't even have a steering wheel!

Most of our property is wooded or the field but just about every bit of the grassed area is shaded by the many trees we have. I have told Angus that I hope by the time we are elderly we will have so many trees that it appears we live in the middle of a forest. He usually replies with a grumbly "humph" because he and the boys are the ones that have to mow around all those scores of trees. They've killed plenty of them by stripping a circle of bark from the base of the tree as they mow around it but eventually I just plant another one in its place.

So...one day we will be living in the woods and no one will have to mow but for now we rake wherever the leaves lay thick, just to keep them from killing the grass beneath. Yesterday I sent the boys out to do that chore. I had raked a few days earlier so there were a dozen big piles already that needed to be moved to the compost pile.

They grumbled a bit and stalled some ("where are the rakes") but went on out to finish the work. Twenty minutes later I looked out the window to check their progress... just in time to see my 23 year old son flip himself into a pile of leaves. I watched as he and my 17 year old son took a few more jumps before they went back to raking the rest of the yard.

They worked together wonderfully and had obviously worked out a routine. They had found a tarp and drug it around to the many piles of leaves that by now were dotted all over the yard. They raked a pile onto the tarp then drug it to the next one until it was heaped high with the leaves. They dragged the heavy load to my big compost pile and then flipped it all into the pile. Making sure to jump on it a few times "to pack it down" they later told me. ...Right.

It was such a beautiful sight for a mother to see her nearly-grown sons working together, playing together and making the best of life. When they were younger I sometimes wondered if they will ever get along, if they will ever be responsible, if they will ever "act their age". They have always gotten along pretty well but they didn't always enjoy each other's company. Now they do.

So, young parents, Take Heart! All the hard work involved in making the kids do chores when it is easier to do it yourself will eventually pay off. Some day the kids will like each other. They will eventually become the fine young adults that you prayed they would... well, maybe not that perfect but they will come into their own. Have hope... and keep praying.

PS~ I also got to witness a rake handle sword fight and a cell phone thrown into a pile of leaves as a find-the-needle-in-the-haystack and a little brother chase a big brother around a tree. I am still waiting for the "act your age" thing to kick in. ☻

I had a dream last night. AJ is the 6 year old son of my boss. He comes by my desk every morning on his way to his dad’s office and he always pauses to say “Hi”. After school he’s back again. He bursts into the office to tell me where he will be until his Dad is ready to leave. He likes to feed my fish.

In my dream, AJ came to me and told me that he was hurt. I could tell he wasn’t really hurt. It was that kind of hurt where a Mom can kiss it away and I began to explain that to him. I told him how if someone that cared about him would rub it or kiss it or do some other kind of Mommy-magic on his “wound” he would totally forget about the pain. I talked on and on and explained it all to this little child who had come to me with his injury. Then I woke up.

My first thought was “Why hadn’t I just shown him I cared and given him a hug?" I yammered away at him and all he really needed was to know that someone cared and loved him. Love is a verb. ♥

Is that what I do? Do I just talk at people saying pretty things and giving unsolicited advice when all they need is a little love? Is God trying to tell me something? ♥

As I drove to work I thought about the people that have really been there for us lately. Two weeks ago when my father-in-law died it was not a surprise. We have a large family and we gathered immediately. People who knew about wanted to help us. I couldn’t think of anything we needed and said so, but that did not stop people from helping anyway. ♥

Food from our church family was taken into the city and food was brought to our house, too. Flowers were sent and donations made to Hospice. Friends made the trek into the city for the visitation or the funeral. We didn’t really expect that. ♥

Zeke’s ex-girlfriend let him borrow her car so that we wouldn’t have to make the 6 hours drive up to retrieve him. She didn’t have to do it, we didn’t expect her to but she did it anyway. ♥

Every day we get cards in the mail still. An acquaintance brought a basket of muffins on Monday. Today a friend sent another meal, telling me she remembers when her Gramma passed away that it was hard a couple of weeks after when things had settled down and she thought we would need to get together again. I think she is right. ♥

Some nice, well-meaning people have said “I’ll pray for you” but I don’t think they really will. It’s just something nice to say. Am I like that? Do I say “I’ll pray” and then promptly forget about it? Am I too busy to give of myself when needed?

We could have done without the food and the flowers and the cards but the genuine love that moved the giver to action... that we needed! The hugs and prayers… those we needed. ♥

Love is a verb. Yes, it is.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You knew death was coming and you tried to prepare… but somehow making those decisions while he was still living seemed callous and scared you both… as if to put it off would put off the inevitable that the doctors, for months now, said could happen at any time. “The heart is just worn out” they said. If you thought about it too much or planned for it, might that hasten it somehow? No! Don’t think about it!

Cemetery plots and head stones and funeral homes and lost pensions (he died a day too soon) and the loss of your own social security checks. And do you want a limousine and little memory cards and laminated obituaries? How many people will come and how do we get them here? Hotel rooms or house guests? The airline tickets... the gasoline expense... who will go get them? Lost work time and lost class time and food, food, food for all of the very large family and the many guests. The fee for the church and a stipend for the priest and the singers and the organist and the printing of the funeral order of service. The photos and enlargements and photo frames and the mourning clothes for family; the black suits and ties and belts and shoes for the pall bearers . Thank you notes and postage and … and … and... there is always one more thing to decide, something to pay for, something pressing.

You thought you were prepared, but you had no idea… all the little incidental expenses… All the things to think about when your brain is still numb. Important decisions that must be made with no time to think. Decisions that do not seem important at all but still must also be made. All of these years your role has been the caregiver, the advice giver for all and you are still trying... but you are so tired.

All of the decisions and expenses do not fall to you but you are aware of them and feel burdened by it. You understand that others who care about you have taken on an added burden to keep the weight from you. They are hurting too and you know this but you let them help you because your heart is heavy and your hands are heavy and your mind is dull. You are coping from day to day, from minute to minute.

You are vaguely aware of all the busyness around you. You are in the midst of it but feel as if everyone is a blur around you and you sit alone. You feel alone with all the people around you. Your children and grandchildren are here by your side every minute but he isn’t here. You feel so alone and you say so. We all stop in mid-sentence, in mid-step, and pause. We are stunned. Suddenly we recognize the truth in your words and we weep in our hearts. We know it is true and that our arms around you and our words of love cannot replace those of the man who was at your side for 60 years.

It is as if you are being pummeled when you have already fallen to your knees and begged for mercy. Your friends and family are here in the circle with you trying to hold back the beating, taking many of the blows, but it is not enough. You will have to gather your strength… You will look over and see God in your corner and it will give you hope and you will rise to your feet again. We will cheer and hold you up and the weight will be shared by all of us. You will realize, we will realize, that together we can endure it.