It had clouded up and there was a cool, gentle breeze. It was evening, not dark yet but the crickets had already begun their singing. The girls playing the violins were nervous but played wonderfully. The huge trees with their branches swaying in the breeze and sprinkled with tiny white lights appeared to be dancing to the sweet music.
The wedding party paraded through the grass, barefoot, to their places at the front of the seated guests. The ring bearer ran to keep up and left the confused flower girl behind as she reached into her basket for white pedals to toss. She took her job seriously. The bride was beaming with beauty, as all brides are. The groom proudly waited for her to join him...forever.
We sat together near the back and I wondered if he was remembering too. Going back to the place 27 years ago when the beautiful hot August day had whipped up a summer thunderstorm on our wedding day. The guests were all seated, the candles lining the path were lightedand we were lined up at the back ready to begin...when the drops began to sprinkle down. The guests looked at each other...what to do? Angus' sister with her baby stood up to leave. Some of the other guests began to follow suit. I started to cry. The wind was whipped up but the rain held off and my Dad just said , "Let's go!"... and we did.
The guitar music was carried off by the wind. My little sister finally gave up trying to light the candles, disapponted. The minister's hair was blowing straight back, the ribbon in my hair whipping around. I saw lightning in the distance behind him. Everything around suggested the storm was approaching fast and all of my wonderful plans were scattered. But there was Angus, gazing into my eyes, gently trying to slide on the ring that didn't want to go on. Patiently twisting it as he smiled into my eyes and calmed me and everything else was suddenly gone. The wind, the guests, the approaching storm. Just Angus holding both my hands and looking not at all nervous or worried....just being there for me with his strength and not having to say any words at all yet telling me that it was all good. It was all right. and it was.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Beau is a Family Guy Freak. He watches it faithfully and records it if he can't be there to see it live. He is otherwise a kind and thoughtful young man most of the time yet he holds this one addiction. It's shameful. I scold him for watching it, telling him it is perverse and sick as I try to hold the laughter inside myself.... Wondering why I would even want to laugh at such dumb and sick material. Yet it is often strangely satisfying as only satire can be in a sick, sick world.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
My "Baby" Turns 16!
Beau is 16 today and he is off with his Dad and brothers on a guys-only road trip. It is quiet here. I'm quite sure that these kind of quiet times will come much more often once he is independently mobile. He can hardly wait to get his driver's license! I'm not really sure he is ready. We have been so busy in the last year... and 4 of our 5 ancient vehicles are stick shifts, which he couldn't drive. I just don't feel as if he has had enough time behind the wheel. He still is so easily distracted! I didn't feel this way about the other 3 boys. When they went for their licenses I was pretty confident that they were pretty good drivers and had been well-trained.
Angus thinks I'm nuts and that Beau will do just fine. He has learned to drive a stick shift and so he is driving much more frequently now...but still mostly in the confines of our small town and rural areas. It will be nice to have him be able to get to church and school activities on his own though. I have been overwhelmed with transporting the boy everywhere since Zeke left for school. It is the first time since 1997, when CJ first got his driver's license, that I have had to do most of the errands and hauling kids to their many and varied destinations. There has always been a brother around to do the job! Anyway, I suppose the driving lessons will continue and there won't be any trips to the city alone until we are more confident in his skills with merging and traffic, etc.
Most of my friends who are Empty-Nesters tell me how hard that first year is when it is just the family's original couple alone in the house again. I am having trouble seeing that as being difficult for me. My goal as a parent has always been to raise my kids to be independent and kind adults that will stick to their values and contribute to the betterment of the world (or at least their world). I'm really hoping that I at least get the "independent" part right. ☺
I love my kids as much as everyone else loves theirs, I'm certain. I must just look at it differently. I have always been able to maintain my own identity and interests separate from my kids and husband, although at times it has been difficult. I have often had to put mine on the back burner but I never let go of them.
There is no doubt, though, it will hard for me when this last one goes on out into the world. Having 3 older brothers he has learned more from them than he has from Angus and I and he may just be the better for it!
He has learned to cope easily with teasing and takes it well, or with a grain of salt depending on the intent of the tease. He has learned that he doesn't always come first and that everybody's needs need to be considered when making decisions. He has learned how to get along with anybody even if they are different (or difficult). He can be very annoying as only a little brother can but knows how to make everyone laugh in the end.
He has had the best of both worlds, perhaps neglected a bit when he was little...no time for lots of playing with him and reading to him... we were on the go with soccer games and school and church functions. He learned to go with the flow, take life as it happens and make friends wherever he ends up.
Now that the other boys are out on their own for the most part...now he is getting the attention that he always had to share before. We can finally afford eating out occasionally and going to fun evernts because we aren't taking 6-10 people out and having to pay $100+ every time we do anything!
And he talks! The brothers always found his yammering along annoying ("don't you ever shut up?") but I assure you, it is rare when a teenage boy will actually converse to his parents! He comes home from school and wants to tell me every funny little thing that happened! None of that "What did you do at school today?" "nuthin"-response from him!
He sings all the time at the top of his lungs. ..and often off key. One can't help but loveit while you're hating it. You can't miss the joy! ...and Yes, he can be moody but he will outgrow that and I think he may just end up being the most likely to live happily-ever-after of all the kids. Keep your fingers crossed and keep praying for him!
Beau is 16 today and he is off with his Dad and brothers on a guys-only road trip. It is quiet here. I'm quite sure that these kind of quiet times will come much more often once he is independently mobile. He can hardly wait to get his driver's license! I'm not really sure he is ready. We have been so busy in the last year... and 4 of our 5 ancient vehicles are stick shifts, which he couldn't drive. I just don't feel as if he has had enough time behind the wheel. He still is so easily distracted! I didn't feel this way about the other 3 boys. When they went for their licenses I was pretty confident that they were pretty good drivers and had been well-trained.
Angus thinks I'm nuts and that Beau will do just fine. He has learned to drive a stick shift and so he is driving much more frequently now...but still mostly in the confines of our small town and rural areas. It will be nice to have him be able to get to church and school activities on his own though. I have been overwhelmed with transporting the boy everywhere since Zeke left for school. It is the first time since 1997, when CJ first got his driver's license, that I have had to do most of the errands and hauling kids to their many and varied destinations. There has always been a brother around to do the job! Anyway, I suppose the driving lessons will continue and there won't be any trips to the city alone until we are more confident in his skills with merging and traffic, etc.
Most of my friends who are Empty-Nesters tell me how hard that first year is when it is just the family's original couple alone in the house again. I am having trouble seeing that as being difficult for me. My goal as a parent has always been to raise my kids to be independent and kind adults that will stick to their values and contribute to the betterment of the world (or at least their world). I'm really hoping that I at least get the "independent" part right. ☺
I love my kids as much as everyone else loves theirs, I'm certain. I must just look at it differently. I have always been able to maintain my own identity and interests separate from my kids and husband, although at times it has been difficult. I have often had to put mine on the back burner but I never let go of them.
There is no doubt, though, it will hard for me when this last one goes on out into the world. Having 3 older brothers he has learned more from them than he has from Angus and I and he may just be the better for it!
He has learned to cope easily with teasing and takes it well, or with a grain of salt depending on the intent of the tease. He has learned that he doesn't always come first and that everybody's needs need to be considered when making decisions. He has learned how to get along with anybody even if they are different (or difficult). He can be very annoying as only a little brother can but knows how to make everyone laugh in the end.
He has had the best of both worlds, perhaps neglected a bit when he was little...no time for lots of playing with him and reading to him... we were on the go with soccer games and school and church functions. He learned to go with the flow, take life as it happens and make friends wherever he ends up.
Now that the other boys are out on their own for the most part...now he is getting the attention that he always had to share before. We can finally afford eating out occasionally and going to fun evernts because we aren't taking 6-10 people out and having to pay $100+ every time we do anything!
And he talks! The brothers always found his yammering along annoying ("don't you ever shut up?") but I assure you, it is rare when a teenage boy will actually converse to his parents! He comes home from school and wants to tell me every funny little thing that happened! None of that "What did you do at school today?" "nuthin"-response from him!
He sings all the time at the top of his lungs. ..and often off key. One can't help but loveit while you're hating it. You can't miss the joy! ...and Yes, he can be moody but he will outgrow that and I think he may just end up being the most likely to live happily-ever-after of all the kids. Keep your fingers crossed and keep praying for him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEAU!
All is well...right here...right now.
The boys are all off on a guys-only weekend. A Road Trip up to Zeke at college to watch a Soccer game between his college and Kev's college. The soccer game is just the excuse for the trip. It is really about the boys being together. I wasn't invited. I pretended to be disappointed but the thought of having the house to myself and some quiet time to relax & reflect (my favorite things to do) and also an opportunity to get work done without needy-males underfoot...ahhhh, a tiny slice of heaven on earth. It feels refreshing and exciting to me.
I am so pleased that they want to spend time with their father and each other! All those growing-up years when at least one of them was mad at the other or at us...all the times when they only wanted to be alone or with their friends and thought we were from the ice age...all the times when they were embarrassed by our dumb comments...they still have those times but now they are tolerant of us and even enjoy and seek out our company sometimes!
CJ called almost daily when he married and moved to the Southwest. Sure, he was bored and didn't know anybody and it was his break time at work but still...he called home.
Kevin had a tough time when all his friends went off to college and he went locally and felt alone and afraid. He couldn't talk to his friends about it and he opened up his heart to us. Kevin...the quiet one! We hadn't heard so many words from him in the last two years as we did in those two days as he adjusted and sought advice and comfort from us. When his beloved (to all of us) girlfriend broke up with him, we were the ones with whom he shared his tears and his broken heart.... Good-looking, aloof, always-got-a-grin 22 year old Kev sobbing in his pillow and trusting us not to fail him, too.
Zeke, who belongs only to God, and cares nothing of what anyone else thinks of him, wanted desperately to go to a cetain Christian college far from our home but was willing to give that up believing that the sacrifice would be too great for us all.
Beau, who still walks through the door grinning and singing and giving squishy hugs just like he did when he was 4.
These days they're almost grown and all so different and independent in their thinking. They are not dependent on us for much anymore and yet they know that they can still depend on us. They all seem to have a pretty happy outlook on life although we have never stressed that happiness is a goal. I have heard so many people say that their greatest wish is for their children to be happy. Their children never seem to be happy though.
I don't think you can achieve happiness by seeking it. It isn't tangible enough to seek. One can't get it from another person...trying to find someone who will make you happy is a fatal (to the relationship) mistake. Can't get it from money...always there is something that just can't be bought. Can't get it from material things...there will always be bigger and better just out of range. Can't get it from food..well, not beyond that first few bites of heaven anyway. Happiness is a feeling, a result of something else. It is a feeling we have when we have given, achieved, made someone else happy, been given to, delighted in something or someone.
There are many ways in which that unexpected feeling of total happiness creeps over us. Usually it is a result of a feeling that all is well with the world, at least at that very moment in time, even if 2 minutes later the wellness of the world is less evident the feeling can remain ( it's called hope). Happiness is a result of gratitude. If we don't feel thankful, we will never feel happiness. Find something to be grateful for...there is always something if you search hard enough.
The boys are all off on a guys-only weekend. A Road Trip up to Zeke at college to watch a Soccer game between his college and Kev's college. The soccer game is just the excuse for the trip. It is really about the boys being together. I wasn't invited. I pretended to be disappointed but the thought of having the house to myself and some quiet time to relax & reflect (my favorite things to do) and also an opportunity to get work done without needy-males underfoot...ahhhh, a tiny slice of heaven on earth. It feels refreshing and exciting to me.
I am so pleased that they want to spend time with their father and each other! All those growing-up years when at least one of them was mad at the other or at us...all the times when they only wanted to be alone or with their friends and thought we were from the ice age...all the times when they were embarrassed by our dumb comments...they still have those times but now they are tolerant of us and even enjoy and seek out our company sometimes!
CJ called almost daily when he married and moved to the Southwest. Sure, he was bored and didn't know anybody and it was his break time at work but still...he called home.
Kevin had a tough time when all his friends went off to college and he went locally and felt alone and afraid. He couldn't talk to his friends about it and he opened up his heart to us. Kevin...the quiet one! We hadn't heard so many words from him in the last two years as we did in those two days as he adjusted and sought advice and comfort from us. When his beloved (to all of us) girlfriend broke up with him, we were the ones with whom he shared his tears and his broken heart.... Good-looking, aloof, always-got-a-grin 22 year old Kev sobbing in his pillow and trusting us not to fail him, too.
Zeke, who belongs only to God, and cares nothing of what anyone else thinks of him, wanted desperately to go to a cetain Christian college far from our home but was willing to give that up believing that the sacrifice would be too great for us all.
Beau, who still walks through the door grinning and singing and giving squishy hugs just like he did when he was 4.
These days they're almost grown and all so different and independent in their thinking. They are not dependent on us for much anymore and yet they know that they can still depend on us. They all seem to have a pretty happy outlook on life although we have never stressed that happiness is a goal. I have heard so many people say that their greatest wish is for their children to be happy. Their children never seem to be happy though.
I don't think you can achieve happiness by seeking it. It isn't tangible enough to seek. One can't get it from another person...trying to find someone who will make you happy is a fatal (to the relationship) mistake. Can't get it from money...always there is something that just can't be bought. Can't get it from material things...there will always be bigger and better just out of range. Can't get it from food..well, not beyond that first few bites of heaven anyway. Happiness is a feeling, a result of something else. It is a feeling we have when we have given, achieved, made someone else happy, been given to, delighted in something or someone.
There are many ways in which that unexpected feeling of total happiness creeps over us. Usually it is a result of a feeling that all is well with the world, at least at that very moment in time, even if 2 minutes later the wellness of the world is less evident the feeling can remain ( it's called hope). Happiness is a result of gratitude. If we don't feel thankful, we will never feel happiness. Find something to be grateful for...there is always something if you search hard enough.
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