Our Wedding Day

Our anniversary
August 26th, 1976, was a typical hot August day that brewed up a thunderstorm. Looking back I think how appropriate that beginning was, indicative of the what happens when you bring together two people who are so very different. We started out hot, then things got stormy then it all settled down when we finally focused on each other.

I was worried about the rain. My little sister finally quit trying to light the candles with all the wind blowing and the guitar music my sister-in-law so lovingly strummed was totally lost on the wind. The minister's hair was blowing straight up and I could see the lightning approaching in the distance behind him.
But then Angus took my hand in his and began to gently slide the handmade wedding ring onto my finger. It resisted but he gently and steadily worked it on as he gazed into my eyes. I forgot everything else and I couldn't take my eyes away from his.

It's been a wild ride for sure, sometimes bumpy, sometimes smooth. Up and down and winding all around. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to get off but I never, ever open that door.

Today I came home from a meeting and I was hungry, digging in the fridge for something to eat. He offered to make me his hashbrown and egg skillet meal. He didn't have to. He wasn't hungry and the kids weren't around. He did it just for me. He speaks his love for me in his actions. Sometimes...usually, I don't even notice. But tonight I was listening.

I've learned that it is always better to pay attention but it's not always easy. The lessons continue... hopefully for another 28 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{A year ago... my similar thoughts}

Onikah came to me after Youth Worship last night. “I have to tell you something.“ she said excitedly. Last week I had told the kids about my “hearing God” experience and she had recently had a similar one.

She had been driving home from her job at McDonald’s, still in her uniform and tired. Her old car had been acting up so she left the radio off so that she could listen for any funny sounds it might be making. Her mind was not distracted. She happened to drive by a friend’s house, a friend she hadn’t seen in months.

Suddenly she was filled with the thought that she should go back and visit her friend. She hesitated, wanting only to go home, but the feeling was too strong to deny and she turned her car around and drove back to Susan’s.

When she arrived she found her friend in a true state of distress. Susan had found her horse with hisr leg swelled to twice its’ normal size. She had run her hand along the leg and found a puncture wound that was deeply infected. She had some instruction from her vet on what to do but was uncertain and worried.

She ran to Onikah with true gratefulness. Onikah had spent the summer working at a horse ranch in Montana and knew exactly what to do. She calmly and confidently helped Susan through process and advised her how to continue the treatment.

Onikah listened to his whisper and let God lead her. Are you listening for it?

It was September 11, 2001 and I had the day off. I rarely watch daytime TV but I flipped the TV on to watch country music videos, thinking it would make the mundane job of sorting the laundry a bit more pleasant. I sat cross legged on the floor with piles of clothing stacked in a semicircle around me. Suddenly a newscaster broke into CMT. There was footage of the North Tower smoking in New York City, an expanation of how an aircraft had hit the tower. I switched to a local station and then to CNN. It all enfolded so rapidly before my eyes. It was on every channel and I couldn’t get enough info. Could it be real? The hardcore, always calm national newscasters on every channel were in disbelief, in shock, visibly upset themselves. Some could barely contain their own composure. I felt so alone. My husband called to see if I had heard. I told him what I knew.

And then… life went on for me. Here in the middle of the Midwest, New York City is but a fairy tale. The only thing most of us know of New York City is learned from TV sitcoms and drama series and that lifestyle is as far from our lives as that of someone from Germany or Japan. We know it’s there but it is almost beyond comprehension. I had never even heard of the Twin Towers before that day.

Our brand new great big hot tub had just been delivered the day before. We had dreamed of having one for years but they seemed so expensive so extravagant. We drive used cars and we drive them ’til they fall apart but we had decided that we wanted this one luxury while our kids were still at home to enjoy it. We had done our homework and purchased a big, fine Sundance Spa that would last. So on this day, September 11th, the electrician had come to do the final installation. I filled it with water and let it heat up. But I could feel no joy. All I could think of were all those people who had lost their lives and the horror of it.

Later that night Angus and I soaked in the warmth of it under a perfect clear sky. We were quiet. Both of us lost in our own thoughts. I was happy. I was sad. I was mixed up. I let the water caress me in my sorrow and I felt guilt… for not even knowing one person in New York City or Washington, DC … for living in an insulated world …for enjoying life …for having life.

I looked up at those millions of stars in the blackness up above and I knew. God was out there. Each star was like a pinpoint of hope for with God when there is nothing else left, there is always hope. And I prayed and prayed and prayed.

September 11, 2006
A Memorial

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teen remembers... a child then
Running
Stepping over things he shouldn't see
Running
His mother's hand... the firefighters
Running
He looked back... the cloud coming at them
Haunted
"I got to live...thousands of others didn't"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The starkness of the reflecting pool
isolated on the huge concrete landscape
A lone wreath
floats there

The black river of people flowing slowly, slowly
Wanting to pull away
from the memory but
drawn toward it

A single rose dropped into the pool,
a memory dropped in the water
a loved one,
a life

The litany of names over the loud speaker goes
on and on and on
Name after name after name.
Could there be that many?

The line of people trails past the pool each pausing
for a moment
More flowers drop,
more names spoken

A mound of fragrant roses
piled high
A tower of
endless love

The names being read
go on and on and on
and...
life goes on
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A firefighter was trapped that day
and prayed
He felt God's presence
in that dark hole
Escaped death that day
but more,
Gained life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flags at half staff
Haunting music
Flowers floating
in a reflecting pool
People in sorrow gathered
to find communion

Find rest O my soul
For God is our refuge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Interview

He was off duty but went back
They'd need his 20 years of
experience. It meant nothing
He wasn't prepared
for this. They went in
Knowing they might not come back

How could you do it? he was asked
How could you not? he replied
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Interview

She was there
She made it out
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
Lost her job
Lost her home

Survivor's guilt
She couldn't work
She couldn't mother
A distant relative took her family in
That's love

Pity
Anger
Pain
Guilt
She let it go

I want to live and love
As hard as I can
I want to take
That extra step

Faith was her salvation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Floating down like snow
Piles of paper everywhere
Scattering like leaves at
The running feet of hundreds

Paper everywhere
That only the day before
Had seemed to be
So important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never Forget.

I heard the still, small voice of God Tuesday evening. I admit that I am not in the habit of listening for God, hence I don’t hear him often. It usually takes a lot to get my attention in my busy little bubble.

Adjusting from being home all summer taking it easy, doing what needs to be done, relaxing and reading and writing, spending time with loved ones and friends to the hectic, crazy, every-day-is-a-new-dilemma world of an elementary school’s first month. It’s put out little fires all day and filling other people’s needs. It’s not rocket science and the days fly by but it is an about-face from the lazy days of summer and it takes its toll.

So when Beau came home from school Tuesday and wondered if I was planning on coming to his soccer game, I quickly went through my mental calendar of the week. Wednesday, Youth Bible Study and Worship. Thursday, important meeting of the Youth Council. Friday, dinner date. I had only been home a few minutes myself and had thrown in the first load of laundry that I usually get done on Mondays.

“Probably not,” I informed him. “I’ll come to your home game though, next Thursday.” He was fine with that. The youngest of four brothers, he is used to all of us working around each other’s schedules. He headed out and I sat down for a little quiet time and dinner alone. No TV, no music, no computer no one else home, no one demanding my time and attention. Just quiet…ahhhhhhhhhhh. Peace, at last. That’s when I heard the voice in my head “You really ought to go”. What in the world? It’s no big deal, Beau doesn’t care. He doesn‘t really play soccer as much as he plays at soccer. He loves the fun of it but doesn‘t take it seriously like most guys that play sports…. I flipped through a catalog as I ate but it came back to me again. “You need to go.” Why?… I couldn’t come up with a reason… I threw the first load of clothes into the dryer and started another load washing. “Just GO.” Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe this in-my-head voice was God. Was this what the still, small voice sounds like? Maybe there really was some reason I needed to be there. What did I have to lose by going? Nothing really except a little quiet time and some undone laundry.

I changed out of my work clothes and went. I was heading toward town wondering why I “needed” to go. Was Bo going to be hurt? Was he going to make a great play? Or was it just that I would have passed up on an opportunity to spend time with my son in the last couple of years he’d still be at home? I didn’t need to know the why of it. I was going because I was moved to.

As I passed our church on the way out of town I noticed the pastor’s pick-up in the parking lot, and there was the youth director’s van and Linda’s RV and a few other vehicles. Hmmm, I wondered what was going on at the church on a Tuesday evening? I drove on by and it occurred to me that all of those folks were a part of the Youth Council committee. “Go back”…. but the meeting was Thursday. Wasn’t it?… I turned around and went back…. What if it wasn’t that meeting? Would I walk in on something else? How embarrassing!… I went in and found the meeting, recognized the group and apologized for being late. “You’re fine. We were just getting ready to start with prayer.“

It was a very important meeting that the Youth Pastor had expressly asked me to there for several weeks earlier when the meeting was being planned. One in which my presence was appreciated and needed. And I was there because I followed God’s urging.

If only it were always so easy.

1Kings 19:12